Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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