dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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