Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
