After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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