It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
