Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
