My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
