Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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