Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
