I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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