This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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