I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you win again, gameday.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
