i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
