Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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