I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
