Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
