He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
