I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
