i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize