Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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