Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
