I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize