question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
