I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize