My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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