You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
