Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
