No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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