it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
