And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
