What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
