I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
