I wanna bring you to show and tell
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
