you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
