if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i drank out of a bidet.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
