never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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