Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also, beer. Big fan.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
