i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
