i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
