Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
