I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
