Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
