He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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