if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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