Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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