the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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