I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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