plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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