Fine. I'll sleep in my office
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
