Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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