Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
