shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
