I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
