So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Boobs speak an international language.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize