i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
