Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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