I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
