who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
