i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
