benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
