seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
