she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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