Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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