Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
