The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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