gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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