I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
